I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
