Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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