Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
