That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
