She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize