If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
