How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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