I looked at my own cervix.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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