So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
