Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
