I wannas sexs uuuuu
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
