1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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