My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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