At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
