just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
