i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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