When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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