Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
