guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
