The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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