proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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