The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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