I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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