I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
