pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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