i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
