Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
