i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
