My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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