u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
don't judge my taste in strippers
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
