I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
