A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
