god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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