I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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