the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
