I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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