Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish my penis had an off switch
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
