I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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