so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
