Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Farmville is her only friend.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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