In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
