I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just googled if crying burns calories
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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