the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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