We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just gargled with NyQuil
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
