I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
