i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
