dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
