The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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