so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
whose parrot is this?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
