I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
