I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
