Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I fill condoms, not promises.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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