Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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