i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
